International Vamp of Mystery
by Deej1
Summary: Ok, prime example of exactly how twisted my mind is. This silly fic is is a Angel/Buffy and Austin Powers crossover. Seriously. Man I scare myself sometimes.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  
*Tries to look like Joss Whedon's Mini Me and fails* Ok, well, if Joss or Mike Myers ever found out what I did to their characters, they'd probably stake me, freeze me, and throw me into space…

Pairings: Connor/Dawn, Buffy/Angel

Cordy's skull exploded out of the back of her head. Or at least, it felt that way. Pain erupted across the back of her head from where it had crashed against the wall of the Hyperion.

"Cordelia! What did you see?" It was Fred. Concerned hands lifted Cordelia from her slumped position on the floor. The vision may have been over, but she was dreading telling the others what she had seen.

"Angel…" she breathed, but it still hurt and she had to stop.

"Angel's what?" Fred's voice went up a notch, "Angel's hurt? Angel's dying? Angel's dead!" The three concerned faces of Fred, Gunn and Wesley peered over Cordelia in shock.

"Angel's just groovy baby!" Everyone jumped in shock at the sound of the vampire's voice.

Angel stood in the Hyperion doorway, grinning. He was decked out in bright blue with the male symbol hanging on a chain around his neck. He brushed an imaginary piece of lint from one shoulder before stepping into the hotel.

"What's swinging?" he asked.

"Angel!" Fred exclaimed, "We thought you were dead!" She threw herself at the vampire. Angel appeared unconcerned.

"I've been dead a long time baby, yeah," he comforted her.

"Yes well," Wesley spoke up, "I'm afraid Cordelia's had a vision."

"I was trying to tell you!" Cordelia said frustratedly, "it's Angel's father. They've taken Angel's father!" She struggled to get up from the floor, aided by the supportive arms of Gunn and Wesley.

"He's been dead a long time too," Angel quipped. Fred giggled and rubbed a hand over Angel's chest.

"He's right," Gunn agreed, "you can't kidnap someone who's already dead Cordelia. You sure that thing in your head's working right?"

Cordelia frowned, "There's no thing in my head, and I know what I saw - what I felt."

"I think I'm feeling something too, oh, oooo." Angel took hold of Fred's roaming hands and passed her over to Gunn before moving to stand beside Cordy.

"Wait!" Wesley held up a finger as his mind fell upon an idea, "There may be one way. They could have gone back in time and kidnapped Angel's father using Spike Evil's time machine!" Everyone gasped.


	2. pt2

Spike Evil grinned broadly revealing a mouthful of wicked looking teeth. His evil associates around him grinned back, Frau Morgan, Number Dru, Mini Annointed Me. Well, everyone except Connor. There was just no pleasing some evil.

"I've developed a devious plan," he announced to his evil minions, "to take over the world. And just to make sure that Angel Danger Powers and his annoying Investigative team don't ruin my plans, I've hired another ruthless evil villian - Goldfanger - to kidnap his father from 1750."

"Goldfanger?" Frau Morgan enquired.

"Yes," said Spike, "a vampire who likes gold so much they say he even lost his fangs in an unfortunate smelting accident." He was suddenly distracted by a loud purring coming from Mini Annointed Me's lap.

"Mini Me!" he chided, "Don't pet it. Gnaw on your kitty!" He turned back to the others.

"As I was saying," he continued, "Angel will be so distracted in his chase to rescue his father, he won't notice my evil scheme which I've ingeniously named Project Hellmouth." Connor snorted in amusement.

"What? I said something you found funny?" Spike Evil demanded. He had to reign in the temptation to eat the boy. The slurping sounds of Mini Annointed Me gnawing on his kitty helped calm him.

"Yeah," Connor replied, "Project Hellmouth, that's original! No one's going to crack that code. You might has well have named it Project I'm Going To Try and Reopen The Hellmouth, Please Come And Stop Me." He sneered.

"Connor," Spike growled, "You just don't get it do you. Maybe if you were a little more evil… You're just not evil enough Connor, are you." Connor scowled and hated Spike Evil with an even greater fury. No matter what he did, it was that miniature peewee clone that always seemed to win out. Just to rub it in, Spike petted the Annoying One.

"Oh!" exclaimed Number Dru suddenly, drawing everyone's attention, "Keyring's lost a key. Slipped down the drain hole. Keyring's lost a key and murderer's lose in the house. So much death. It's so pretty." Spike smiled, leaned across and took Dru's hand in his own. 

"That's right pet," he encouraged lovingly, "the keyring _has_ lost a key… and we've got it! Frau Morgan…?"

Frau Morgan nodded calmly, and then suddenly screeched, "Bring in the girl!" Everyone rubbed their ears in an effort to regain their hearing. At the far end of Spike Evil's secret underground lair, several unnamed minions dragged a small struggling figure into the room.

"You'll never get away with this!" a feminine voice threatened before the underlings managed to subdue her.

"On the contrary," Spike replied, spinning his chair to face the girl, "There's no one who can stop me now," he turned back to his evil gang, "Allow me to introduce Dawn Summers. She may look like a mere girl, but she is in fact a magical key to a demon dimension and, using her, we can open a portal to that dimension and end the whole world! That is, unless, they pay us one million trillion dollars!"

Connor gagged.

"What is it now!?" Spike demanded angrily.

"Big Mr. Scaryfang," Connor taunted, "I thought you were a vampire, what do you want with a trillion dollars?"

"Hmmm," Spike pondered. For once the boy had a point, "Frau Morgan, how long will it take to prepare for the ritual?"

"We could be ready by midnight tonight." Frau Morgan smiled.

"Excellent," Spike rubbed his hands together, "All Goldfanger has to do is keep Angel busy until then. Frau, prepare the ritual. Number Dru, I want you to make sure everything goes as planned with Angel Powers. Mini me, come with me… Oh… and you, Connor, go… guard the sacrifice or something."

Connor snarled at their retreating backs. He was always left with the annoying jobs. Just wait! He wouldn't take this much longer. He looked across at the struggling key-girl as the evil unnamed henchmen dragged her back to her prison cell on a small island surrounded by a poolful of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. He thought she looked kinda pretty, for a key-thing.


	3. pt3

Gunn nearly freaked out of his mind when he saw what Fred had done to his truck. Odd bits and pieces of wiring stuck out all over the place, not to mention it was now sporting a rainbow coloured paint job and, somehow, disco lights.

"Remind me again why we couldn't use Angel's car?" he asked in a strained voice, his face paled.

"Are you kidding, I'd never let them do that to my car," Angel happily patted Gunn on the shoulder before getting into the truck and turning the key. Instantly the disco lights lighted up and began flashing as the car started.

"Smashing baby," Angel approved. Gunn nearly fainted.

Angel leaned his head out of the window, "Are you sure this will work, gorgeous," he addressed Fred.

"Oh," Fred replied, "I think so. If my theories on space/time are correct. Just set the year on the dashboard," she leaned in and showed him 1750, "then hit the accelerator until the Shag-o-meter reaches 10 and bang, you'll be back in 1750 before you know it."

"Well that's just groovy," Angel replied, pleased, "why don't you hop in and we'll test it out shall we."

Fred grinned, "Ok," and began getting in the passenger seat.

"Wait!" Gunn butted in hastily, "why don't I go. You should stay here, just in case something goes wrong. Besides, it's my truck."

"Sorry baby he's got a point," Angel conceeded. Fred looked bitterly disappointed as she stepped back beside Wesley and Cordelia, and Gunn took her place in the vehicle.

"But Angel," said Wesley, "how will we know that your alright and something hasn't gone wrong in the past?"

"This is a time-machine Wesley," Angel replied good-naturedly, "if we don't return the instant that we left, then we're not coming back!"

"Quite right," Wesley agreed, "well, good luck Angel. I'll see you in just a moment I suppose." They all waved, Angel revved the truck and then let it streak away into the night. As the Shag-o-meter began tipping towards 10, the car began to shake and rattle, and then suddenly it disappeared.

Wesley sighed, "Well, they haven't returned the instant that they left." Fred looked concerned. Then, another vision hit Cordelia.


	4. pt4

Angel and Gunn came to a screeching halt in a large, open green field.

"Angel," Gunn said, "are you sure we should be driving a truck around in 1750? It's not very inconspicuous is it?"

"No, you're right," Angel replied seriously, "You stay here with the truck, while I go and check the house, and get attacked by the evil henchman left laying in wait there…" Gunn nodded and Angel started off across the field toward the house in the distance - his old home, it brought back so many memories. All that time, with a father who never really cared…

Something rustled in the bushes. Angel recognised the feeling of being stalked. Ahha! One of Spike Evil's evil henchmen no doubt! Because he knew Spike Evil had to be the one that had kidnapped his father.

With a flying leap he tackled the figure in the bushes and they tumbled down, only rolling to a stop when Angel had the other pinned to the ground.

"Ahha! I've got you now you evil unnamed henchmen who's too minor to be given a naa…" Suddenly he stopped in surprise as he realised this was no evil henchmen he had tackled, "Buffy?" 

Buffy Summers, better known as the Vampire Slayer, looked up an Angel equally with surprise, "Angel?"

"What are you doing in 1750 Buffy? You're not even going to be born for several hundred years!"

"Dawn was kidnapped by an evil vampire named Goldfanger, and I heard a rumour I could find him in the past so I got Willow to cast a spell to send me back to then-now," Buffy explained.

"I'm also here after Goldfanger. What a coincidence!" Angel marveled, "Your sister, and my father, both kidnapped by Goldfanger on the same day!"

"Yes," agreed Buffy. There was a pause.

"Angel," Buffy said cautiously, "do you think the kidnapping of my sister, and your father, could be related to the same dastardly evil plan?" 

"Hmmm…" Angel thought about it. There was a very long pause. Finally, "You know, you might be right Buffy! If we join forces in the now-then, maybe we can get back your sister and my father, and all go back to the soon-now." 

Buffy nodded, "C'mon, let's check out the house." Buffy and Angel resumed their journey to Angel's family's old abode, pre-Angelus times. They crept along slowly until they reached the outer brick wall, whereupon Buffy indicated silently to Angel her plan of attack with in a series of hand movements she had learnt from Riley. Angel nodded seriously and made his own hand-speech back that could only be interpreted as something rude. Nevertheless, Buffy nodded seriously. They split paths to go around opposite sides of the house. 

Back at the truck, Gunn waited impatiently, apparently not having seen the "Free Food: Impatiently Waiting, Sidekick Getaway Car Man Available Here" sign stuck to the back of the truck.

Meanwhile… Buffy, halfway through creeping around her side of the house, suddenly felt strong arms grip her, one arm around the mouth so she couldn't make a sound, and began dragging her away into the shadows, though not without a struggle.

Angel finished making his trip to the front door. Not seeing Buffy anywhere around, he decided he'd better be quick in case she'd been overpowered by a mysterious, unrevealed evil stranger who would now use her as his human shield during a hastily planned escape.

Then again, he wasn't too worried, because he knew it was also possible this mysteriously unrevealed kidnapper was merely a plot device to create suspense and uncertainty, and was actually a friend who had just saved Buffy's life.

Angel kicked down the front door. The inside of his old home had been redecorated in a gaudy gold sixties design. 1960s, that is. In the centre of the room, a tall man dressed in a gold suit was dragging a struggling figure towards a circular portal at the opposite end of the room. Goldfanger! And he had Buffy!

Shock! The mention of a plot device to create suspense and uncertainty was, itself, a plot device to create suspense and uncertainty… Now, Goldfanger had Buffy and it was up to him to save her and stop Goldfanger from escaping.

"Stop you horribly hideous, maliciously malevolent, pestilentially pernicious, deleteriously detrimental, evilly, uh, evil, villian!" Angel cried.

"Flattery will get you nowhere!" Goldfanger exclaimed, heading toward his exit.

Angel rushed across the room toward the pair but, before he had gone very far, there was a loud cracking noise. Suddenly a long wall to wall line of wooden stakes rose up from the floor between him and them, thus blocking off his passage to Buffy and allowing Goldfanger an unhindered escape.

Goldfanger finally paused with his struggling Buffy, "Ah, I shee have found my little shurprise Angel Powersh. You shee, should you try to crossh that line, you would be shtaked to death and never be able to reshcue your beloved Buffy and shave your farsher!"

"My what?" Angel asked puzzledly, unable to make out what Goldfanger wash shaying between hish lishp.

Unperturbed, Goldfanger attempted his dramatic climax again, "Your farsher!"

Angel cocked his head to the side, "My who?"

Goldfanger looked a little put out now. Even Buffy had stopped struggling to try and make it out.

"Your farsher!"

"No, look, I'm just not getting it," Angel admitted. He still had no idea what Goldfanger had just said.

"Oh shorry," Goldfanger apologised, and his faced morphed from its vampiric form back to a human-looking face, "It's these fangs. You know, can't stay a decent word with 'em, don't look half as dramatic without them. Anyway," he drew himself up one more time, "YOUR FATHER!" 

Buffy gasped. Angel gasped. Somewhere out the back, Gunn gasped. Then he pulled out the packet of crisps he'd just found hidden under the seat and started munching happily, "Score!"

"Anyway Angel," said Goldfanger, "I must be off. I wouldn't look around for a way to stop me if I were you, because whilst I escape, you're going to be too busy fighting off the little surprise I've left for you." It was an enormously wicked grin as Goldfanger disappeared, dragging a struggling Buffy into the enormous swirly time machine and disappearing into the future.

Angel Powers peered around the room, looking for Goldfangers 'surprise'. So far he couldn't see anything. What could it be? A giant, slimy vamp-eating mudmonster? A slavering spiny Nordrac demon? A enormous, clawing, half-starved oogleasaurus? 

Several figures stepped out of the shadows. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no! It was much, _much_ worse.

"Good evening Angel Powers," one of the figures introduced themselves, "we're lawyers, with Wolfram and Hart…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……"

Even from his potato-chip munching position at the rear of the house, Gunn heard Angel's yell. Realising now it was time for action, he tossed the empty packet of crisps out the window and started the truck. The truck lurched forward and sped up toward the house. Fortunately the Shag-o-meter did not reach 10 as Gunn revved up and ploughed straight into the side of Angel's house.

He took a few seconds to thank The Powers That Be that this was comedy fiction in which the truck was able to smash through a solid brick wall without incurring a single scratch to its surface. 

Meanwhile, the wall wasn't looking too good. Bits of brick exploded all over the floor. Angel and the Wolfram and Hart lawyers looked up in surprise. Gunn stepped out of the car.

"Gunn!" Angel exclaimed, happy to see him.

"Who are those guys?" Gunn asked, pulling a face. Angel pulled himself together and dusted himself off. 

"It's terrible Gunn," he explained, "they're Wolfram and Hart lawyers." They were outnumbered three to one. The lawyers, realising they had the upper hand, suddenly morphed their faces into violent looking scowls.

"Uhoh, Angel," Gunn said, "I think it's even worse. They're vampire lawyers!" With a loud growl, the vampires threw themselves and Angel and Gunn. Angel knocked the first one down as it reached him whilst Gunn reached into the back of the truck and pulled out a crossbow. He managed to dust one but the others reached him before he could get another shot off. 

Instead, he thwacked the vampire across the skull with the crossbow, splintering the bow. He stuck the rest of the crossbow through the vampire's heart. As it disappeared into dust, the angry vamp threw Gunn so that he crash landed on the side of the truck. Gunn groaned and he slid to the floor.

Meanwhile, Angel was left to tackle the other three. One attempted to tackle him from behind whilst the other two clawed out him. Grabbing the arms around his neck, Angel gave an almighty heave and threw the vamp lawyer over his head into the other two. All three tumbled back into the line of stakes and dusted themselves.

Angel looked pleased with himself. He gave Gunn a hand up from where he'd fallen.

"Are you alright?" Gunn nodded that he was fine, even though he was being optimistic about his condition.

"Well," Angel commented, "the odds were **staked** against us, but we **pushed through**."

"Yeah," Gunn agreed.

"You've got to give them credit though, they really put their **heart** and **soul** into it." Again Gunn nodded.

"It's **heart-breaking** to see really, I'm sure they had they're **hearts** set on a promotion."

"Mmm…"

"No point taking it to **heart **though, after all, they were pretty **heartless** to begin with…"

"That's enough," said Gunn.

"Yeah," agreed Angel, and shook himself out of it, "to the Shag-mobile!" Angel and Gunn got into the truck, ready to swing back to present day.

"Angel," Gunn said, "don't ever call my truck that again."


	5. pt5

Meanwhile, back in L.A….

"I've told you before Timmy, don't bolt down your food like that. Eat more slowly." Just then the phone rang at the Roberts household.

Mrs. Roberts picked it up, "Hello?" She listened to the voice on the other end for a moment.

"Dead!?" she gasped, horrified, "Oh please doctor, tell me, was it a very painful death?" She listened a moment further.

"Staked through the heart in the 1750's by a broken crossbow? Oh thank you doctor, thank you for your time." Mrs. Roberts hung up the phone and looked sadly at poor little Timmy.

"No one thinks about the family of a henchman," she mourned. 

She sighed, and then brightened, "Eat up Timmy." Mrs. Roberts looked across at Timmy, his dear little vampire face, and morphed her own. Then she picked up her own dinner - a pizza delivery man, and bit down into his neck.


End file.
